the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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