Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
