I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
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It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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