our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she pinky promised me she was 18
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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