you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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