i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
