pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
