he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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