Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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