I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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