eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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