Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
