I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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