oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
