I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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