he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
