It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
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It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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