well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
