This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
