I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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