hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
