i dedicated my morning wood to you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
