I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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