Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
