So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
