Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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