Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
