My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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