no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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