Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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