Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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