I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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