i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
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