ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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