Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
