Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
