i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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