We need to rekindle our bromance
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
