your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
