she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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