why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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