All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dicks are not precious.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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