I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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