I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
