New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
