the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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