i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
