first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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