I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
