ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
