Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
