I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
