oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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