I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
