matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
