I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
farters have to be the big spoon...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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